Chapter 14: In Which Harry Potter is Used as Therapy

Shortly before I could publish this, I was kidnapped by Regina and locked in her castle, where she made me interview her for a biography on her life. I tried to explain to her that I had other writing projects, namely this, that needed work done, but she started tossing around fireballs. I've only been released long enough to cobble together the first draft, since I convinced her computers work faster for writing. Be glad you guys got this review at all! ;)


What Happened:

Baelfire is Neil. Who knew. 

What I Thought:

I didn't like it. 

Next W-

MY READERS:

   Yeah, yeah, I know I normally give you more than that, and I still plan on it. But I really did not enjoy tonight's episode of ABC's normally-fabulous "Once Upon a Time," 2x14: "Manhattan." On multiple levels. I'm watching "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (technically listening to it as I type, but whatever), I so did not enjoy this episode. I need good, quality stories about magic with well-written kids/early teenagers and believable characterization, and this episode simply did not deliver.Let's get the recap out of the way so I can whine about the work of successful screenwriters and television directors. Hopefully someday I will write a successful show and some kid will whine about the worst episode I write. 

What Happened (Attempt #2)

The Fairytale Land (The Past)

• Rumpelstiltskin is looking the best he has since he discovered coconut butter skin cream. He just got his Early Decision acceptance letter from the local militia to go and fight in the Ogre Wars! His wife, Mila, is quite happy for him, especially since it's the chance he wanted to prove that he's not a coward like his father. 
• At a camp near the front-lines, Rumpelstiltskin meets an imprisoned seer with eyes that look scary beyond all reason. She tells him that Rumpelstiltskin's actions here will "make his son fatherless." Rumpelstiltskin assumes this means he'll die, so he maims himself with a hammer. 

Marvelous plan, old boy. 

• Needless to say, Mila is less than pleased with this upon his return. She goes off to scope out local single pirates in her zip code. 
• Years later, Rumpelstiltskin meets the seer. There's a lot of back and forth about how terrible her life is because of her seer powers. Rumpelstiltskin takes her power, which kills her and gives her peace. He also learns that he will find his son Baelfire in many years, and that a young boy will lead him to Bae and then be his undoing...

Storybrooke/Manhattan

• Henry, Emma, and Rumpelstiltskin arrive at an apartment building in New York. (Apparently Henry got to ride shotgun in the taxi. He probably used the Book as an excuse. "Emma, trust me- in the Book, I was riding up front. Now, maybe it doesn't mean anything, but the Book hasn't led us astray so far..." And yes, he would use the word "astray," because he's that pretentious.)
• Someone jumps out of the apartment fire escape, and Rumpelstiltskin knows that whoever it is is his son. Emma chases him, and learns that it's Neil. Neil is Baelfire. 

Said no one ever. 

• Neil and Emma walk into a bar. (No, this is not the start of an over-told joke.) They discuss their relationship, and how Neil didn't know who Emma was when he fell in love with her. We also get the most ridiculous reveal ever: When August showed Bae something in the box to convince him that he knew about magic, it was the typewriter with the words "I KNOW YOU'RE BAELFIRE" written on a sheet of paper. This doesn't even make sense, why didn't August just say "Hello, Baelfire" as a conversation starter, it would've saved everyone so much time. 
• Emma ditches Neil without telling him about Henry and calls Snow for advice, but ignores it and doesn't tell Henry who his dad is. The trio breaks into Neil's apartment, but get into a fight when Rumpel suspects she's lying to him about losing his son in the chase. 
• When Mr. Gold reveals that his anger management problem is still...well, a problem, Neil bursts in and tells Gold to GTFO. Rumpelstiltskin is apparently quite intuitive and realizes that Emma and Neil have something between them, and then Henry walks in and obnoxiously gets in the way. Neil quickly starts to put the pieces together and realizes that Henry is his son, which angers Henry because he thought that his father was a dead fireman, as Emma told him. 

We're disappointed that Baelfire is your dad, too, Henry. Whatcha gonna do?

• Henry goes outside to think about his deep angst artistically on a fire escape. He's probably hearing a L'Oreal commercial in the background while his hair blows in the wind, which is okay, because for this entire part of the episode I was hearing the soundtrack of "Mamma Mia," it just fits the adoption/parenthood drama so well. 
• Baelfire/Neil and Mr. Gold have a conversation which boils down to...

Gold:

"I moderately regret what I've done because it had negative consequences for me and mine, though I still think I didn't do anything that could be considered ethically questionable. "

Bae/Neil:

• Emma tries to convince Henry that she was lying about Neil's identity to keep Henry safe. Henry doesn't but it, but he does get to bond with Bae (alliteration is amazingly appealing) on the balcony [/fire escape]. 
• Back in Storybrooke, Cora is looking 

          in her twenty-first century attire. Not to mention her hair is down, and it looks really cool. But I   

          digress. Basically, in this episode, Regina, Cora and Hook go on a mini-scavenger hunt for 

          Rumpelstiltskin's dagger. They find a map with its location, so to Regina and Cora knocking out Hook

          and departing. Cora declares that shall use its magic to destroy the Royal Family and get Henry back!

• Oh, yeah, Greg Mendel has a recording on Rumpelstiltskin doing magic.

What I Thought:

   Let's address the reveal this episode so we can move on to ranting about other things: Neil is Baelfire. Baelfire is Neil. Neil is Henry's father, ergo Rumpelstiltskin is Henry's grandfather. Most of the fandom predicted this, probably because Neil is the only named character I can think of who lives outside of Storybrooke. Barring actually making Baelfire a new character all grown up, there was no other option. Perhaps if Rumpelstiltskin hadn't been so convinced his son was outside of Storybrooke, there might have been more contenders, but his quest into the main part of America pretty much confirmed it couldn't be anyone within the town. That left Neil, and a lot of us were irked that we didn't get a more creative reveal. But all shows have predictable moments, so we shouldn't judge the show solely based on that. 

   What we SHOULD judge this episode on can be split into two main points: wasted potential, and unsympathetic characters that the writers demanded us to sympathize with. As far as potential goes this episode, it had a lot: Emma, Rumpelstiltskin and Henry go on an adventure to New York, searching for Baelfire! That screams fun character interactions and scenarios, but all of the scenes felt very dry and formulaic. Nothing unexpected happened. The group found Baelfire, argued a bit, but are on a track to healing (except for Neil and Rumpel, but I never expected that.) Meanwhile, in Storybrooke, another fun bunch of characters barely got any scenes on a quest that could've been completed much faster. The Fairytale Land storyline was the rotten cherry on top; the only thing of value we learned from it was that Rumpelstiltskin's downfall is prophesied to come at the hands of the boy who leads him to his son-- aka, Henry. This has the potential to be really interesting, because of how Rumpelstiltskin may choose to deal with the prophecy, but it should have been delivered better. We already know that Rumpel was a coward. We know he ran away from a battle, and we didn't need to know more. Instead the show gave us a rather convoluted story about a seer, his father, and his leg. 

   Why did we need an episode about how Rumpelstiltskin "became" a coward? Cowardice isn't a state of being or a disease, it's a human flaw. Everyone has at least one (most of us several), and I really object to the writers' seeming belief that all fatal flaws need to have some "incident" that sparks them. You don't get "turned into" an alcoholic from one wild party, just like buying expensive jeans once will not turn you into a greedy miser, or critiquing self-made art will not make you self-loathing. Rumpelstiltskin has been shown in flashbacks to be very fearful of the world and of conflict, but in this episode he seems outgoing and cocky before going to the frontline. The prophecy and his self-maiming are portrayed as the turning point in his life when he "became" a coward, despite the fact that his cowardice is more likely something Rumpel always has and always will have to deal with.
   Now, when it comes to the two characters the show deeply wanted our hearts to go out to, Henry and Rumpelstiltskin...I'll  only briefly discuss Rumpelstiltskin, because I've already made my thoughts on his selfish nature quite clear in earlier reviews. He cares about his emotions, not Bae's- the entire point of this mission is to bring Bae back into his father's life, whether Bae wants it or not. That's selfishness disguised with love, and I loved that Bae called Gold out on his behavior and didn't give him what he wanted.
   Secondly, Henry. It's no secret that I despise his bratty pretentiousness, but this episode really took the cake in terms of his rude behavior. It's understandable that he'd be hurt over Emma lying to him, but he was really quite cruel to her. It's like whenever he gets into a fight with a parental figure, he looks to another as a kind of savior from the undesirable qualities of the former. He did it with Regina, and now it appears he's doing it to Emma, at least temporarily. I just don't see how the show can portray him and Rumpel as likable heroes with the way they've been behaving in this episode.

My Score:

2/10. 

The predictable plot was cluttered with unnecessary tangents and unlikable "heroes."

My Questions:

• Cora is clearly loving modern-day clothing...what other parts of 21st-century America is she digging? Does she adore fast food? Is "Jersey Shore" her new guilty pleasure? Perhaps she's already applying to Harvard's law school so that she can learn the rules of this land and work her way up to a Presidential Candidate? ("Cora 2020!")
• Who will Henry go to when Neil acts parental?
• Will Regina go along with Cora's plan? 

Next Week (at the time I watched this):

Snow goes solo against Cora, and Rumpelstiltskin draws the attention back to himself!

(Disclaimer: As always, I've used a lot of gifs, memes, photos, and cultural references in this review/recap. If you or someone you know owns/made own of the gifs/photos/etc., comment below and let me know- I'll take it down, if that's what you wish. I don't claim ownership of any of them, I just browse Tumblr and other websites for stuff that could fit into my blog and its reviews/recaps. Also, I own none of the media I reference. "Once Upon a Time" belongs to ABC , "Doctor Who" to the BBC, "Game of Thrones" to HBO and George R.R. Martin, "House" to Fox, "The Little Mermaid" to Disney, "How I Met Your Mother" to CBS, etc., etc. ...I own nothing! This blog is for entertainment purposes only!!! Also, this show is written, acted, produced and made by people far more successful than me thus far in my life. I really do like it, and I only critique because I care! I  know far less about the world than I pretentiously seem to.)